Awakenings

Do you remember the movie "Awakenings"? The basic premise was that there were comatose patients. A doctor figured out that administering L-Dopa would awake them. The downside was that the patients wouldn't be awake too long.

That's what 2008 has felt like for me. I moved back to Alabama. I got a temp job, which, for better or worse far as a job was concerned, paid my bills. I made some friends there. I went crazy, studying, and then passed the bar. My mother moved in. I reunited with the boy.

It's certainly been a year of ups and downs. Yet, nothing of real fruition has happened.

Honestly, it's getting to a point where I think, "Why bother? Why work hard?" Nothing has come to fruition. I spent my day being a good, nice, selfless person. That's all Momma asked of me for Christmas. I'm thinking that that's all I should do.

Get a job. Work hard; pay my loans; just live minute-to-minute. There really doesn't seem to be a purpose in dreaming far ahead anymore.

And you know, aside from the last few minutes today, it wasn't that bad. I've lived for months waiting for the next moment. Yeah, those moments came, but nothing really came to fruition. So maybe it's time to submit. Maybe it's time to just fall into line, to become another automaton who exists to work and pay and work and pay.

It's not that bad. And if it means that the anticipation, which is generally of no use and only disappoints me, goes away, then maybe that's a good thing. Never anticipate. Never dream. Just live moment to moment. After all, that's all we're given, right? We're not guaranteed any sort of future. So why fight so hard for something that may never be?