That's It, I'm Banning Sundays

We're now about five weeks away from my vacation to see my baby. I cannot tell you how excited I am about this. I cannot tell you how scared I am of this. I just want everything to go so well; I want us to enjoy each other's company and explore the city.

I'm scared of expectations - the ones I put on myself, on him, on us, really. I'm scared that the chemistry we have no won't look the same while I'm there. I'm scared of overstaying my welcome. Ten days is a long time to be around someone without a break. I've been trying to focus on consciously limiting my expectations. I keep learning, and re-learning, that expectations are generally what makes things go bad. "You should've known..." is about the worst thing to say to another person. I've got to remember to be upfront and clear about what I think and feel. I've got to remember to not take everything so personally.

I'm not an expert at it, but I can let many things people say to me slide. But for some reason, his words hold more import to me; his tones of voice tell me volumes. And this is the hard part of a long-distance relationship: I know, through intonations and word choices, what he thinks and feels. What I don't know as well are his facial expressions and body language. So I wonder if he really meant it when he told me that he was glad I went out last night because he needed a break from me.

Gawd, even typing that, I feel like an idiot. I know it's not a big deal, I know we talk more often than even most best friends or family members. But it still stings a little. I also know that we'll talk tonight and everything will feel normal again. But that's how I feel right now, weak and a little bit lost.

Aside: This was a very differently-intended post. How did I get here?