No...

I do not want you, updated Winamp. I do not want anything updated. Lately, the recent truth is harder than the memories. I like the memories. I feel stronger.

Tonight I found that an old friend, R., actually reads this mess. I gave him crap for not commenting. I thought the most interesting part was when I asked him how he found this, and he couldn't answer. (Yeah, that one's for you.)

OK, pure honesty - I loved R. at one point. Now I love that he's a family man, a good man. I love the man who gave me the giddiness last night. I don't care if he loves me the same, because he makes me happy just by being himself. Also, I know that he loves me - probably not in the traditional way, but just in the way I like now.

However - are these two the same? I know it's every 10 years that I contact R. I hate that it seems to disrupt his life. I love that it disrupts his life. Despite his tone - I just can't let him go.

I don't want him anymore - but I love the feeling that I get when I talk to him. He's my link to being a teenager, and not so careful, and not so afraid. I love that feeling of freedom. I guess I just use him. That's OK - being used for a positive end doesn't hurt.

And I can't get the Stephen "Tin Tin" Duffy song out of my mind. It's kind of my theme song for now.

I'm restless. And I don't know when I'll get the relief I need.