For the past few weeks, I've been having vivid dreams about guys I either used to date, or ones I pointlessly obsessed over for a time. They've all been farewell dreams, where I get to have a final conversation with each one and determine why it wouldn't work, why it won't work, and then feel better for having had the dreams. I've met with my ex-fiance and a pointless crush in the past week.
There's been a certain level on comfort in these interactions. I've been able to wrestle out the last vestiges of emotion I've kept for these guys. I've wondered why I've been having these dreams as well. My best theory is that as I attach more and more to my boy, I'm getting rid of others who might allow me to mess up what is, and I hope will continue to be, a strong relationship.
Then, of course, comes last night. Last night I dreamed about Jim. Why, I don't know, but in this dreams things were different. I dreamed I was at a party with him and we got separated. As I walked over the hills and valleys that seem to show up in all my dreams, I kept walking past girls that I knew. I finally made it to a big room, where all the guys where. They were all guys I (ostensibly) knew, and I spent the whole time just calling Jim's name, and never found him.
Keep your fingers crossed that this isn't a portent of things to come.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
I Now Have The Keyring Of A Jailer
I finally (finally!) got around to getting myself a PO Box. This was a big deal because without a mailing address, what's the point of ordering business cards? So not only am I the newest, proudest renter of a small metal container, but I will soon be the owner of some brand-spanking-new business cards.
They look pretty good, if I do say so myself. And I say so myself because I designed them. I complained to my boy about my bad design skills, and he offered to work on them and then reneged the offer. So I got it done. By myself, you big meanie.
Those of you who I know, I'll gladly send some on when they get here. (Sheesh, there's a thousand of them. Just in case you need a border for your bedroom.) For the rest of you, I'm considering posting the image here. (Salient details fuzzed out to protect, say, ME.)
If nothing else, just be pleased for me that I got it done. And even better, I paid my cable bill, got my friend the book I promised her (I'll bring it Sunday), managed not to completely buy out the books in stock at Barnes & Noble, and made it to SuperTarget for my every-other-day fix of its wares.
Heck, I'm even considering vacuuming!
They look pretty good, if I do say so myself. And I say so myself because I designed them. I complained to my boy about my bad design skills, and he offered to work on them and then reneged the offer. So I got it done. By myself, you big meanie.
Those of you who I know, I'll gladly send some on when they get here. (Sheesh, there's a thousand of them. Just in case you need a border for your bedroom.) For the rest of you, I'm considering posting the image here. (Salient details fuzzed out to protect, say, ME.)
If nothing else, just be pleased for me that I got it done. And even better, I paid my cable bill, got my friend the book I promised her (I'll bring it Sunday), managed not to completely buy out the books in stock at Barnes & Noble, and made it to SuperTarget for my every-other-day fix of its wares.
Heck, I'm even considering vacuuming!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I Am Blissfully Alone
For the first time since the beginning (and by that I mean the first) of November, I am alone in the apartment. It's nighttime - I checked outside a few times and the moon was still out. Folks, I cannot tell you how pleased I am about this.
I was a bit concerned that Momma would change her mind and come back tonight. And I'm not entirely evil; I told her that if her slumber party was more than she could bear, she should absolutely come back. I even used the word "home".
So what have I been doing on this evening of freedom? Not a whole lot. I've talked on the phone. I've chattered on the internet. I've snuck in a cookie. I'm having a cocktail. But mostly what I've done is be endlessly aware of the fact that I'm alone. It's like I have to constantly remind myself that there's no-one else here. It's a strange feeling. It's a precursor to what my life will be.
And I have to be honest: it's not like I'm lonely, really, but I've become so accustomed to having Momma here that it feels a bit strange to not have her around. It's like I'm not ready to be rid of the emotions I feel when she's around. I'm used to being mildly cranky all the time, to knowing that I'm on call, to being someone else's barometer for her own emotions. I wonder how long it'll take for those feelings to permanently fade when she's gone. I figure it'll take a while.
But I'll tell you this. I'm not wearing any pants.
I was a bit concerned that Momma would change her mind and come back tonight. And I'm not entirely evil; I told her that if her slumber party was more than she could bear, she should absolutely come back. I even used the word "home".
So what have I been doing on this evening of freedom? Not a whole lot. I've talked on the phone. I've chattered on the internet. I've snuck in a cookie. I'm having a cocktail. But mostly what I've done is be endlessly aware of the fact that I'm alone. It's like I have to constantly remind myself that there's no-one else here. It's a strange feeling. It's a precursor to what my life will be.
And I have to be honest: it's not like I'm lonely, really, but I've become so accustomed to having Momma here that it feels a bit strange to not have her around. It's like I'm not ready to be rid of the emotions I feel when she's around. I'm used to being mildly cranky all the time, to knowing that I'm on call, to being someone else's barometer for her own emotions. I wonder how long it'll take for those feelings to permanently fade when she's gone. I figure it'll take a while.
But I'll tell you this. I'm not wearing any pants.
Friday, February 20, 2009
So I've Got This Friend...
A friend named Donovan, and I use his name because he said I could. He's a really decent guy and someone I've known since high school. (I blame MySpace and Facebook for all this damn reminiscing.)
He's pretty supportive of how I live my life, but tonight, not so much. I told him about the networking and social events I'll be attending at the end of the month (Dog Ball! Dog Ball!) and he pretty much said, "I've got to go," and hung up.
I know he likes me better when I'm in the same proverbial boat as he is, unemployed and occasionally unhappy about it. Still, it can't hurt to lie to a friend even when you're jealous of what that person is doing, right?
He's pretty supportive of how I live my life, but tonight, not so much. I told him about the networking and social events I'll be attending at the end of the month (Dog Ball! Dog Ball!) and he pretty much said, "I've got to go," and hung up.
I know he likes me better when I'm in the same proverbial boat as he is, unemployed and occasionally unhappy about it. Still, it can't hurt to lie to a friend even when you're jealous of what that person is doing, right?
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Relationship Meme
What are your middle names?
We both use ours. Mine is Christine, his is [REDACTED]. Don't ask about first names.
How long have you been together?
Debatable. I've known him since I was 16. We dated for a bit back then, and then have been friends, but never in a relationship.
Most recently: I've created an anniversary date of June 30, which is about the first time that he told me that he loved me.
How long did you know each other before you started dating?
See above. We dated when I was in high school.
Who asked whom out?
In the beginning, I have no doubt that it was him.
More recently: He found me on MySpace, which is where we began reattaching. His message was essentially his phone number. I made the first phone call. Took me about 30 seconds to make that decision.
How old are each of you?
We're getting close to a number change, but I'm 35 and he's 37.
Whose siblings do you see the most?
We don't see either's, but he has to hear more about mine than I do about his.
Which situation is hardest on you as a couple?
I can only answer for me. I want to be the best person I can be for him, and I wonder if I don't always get his references - he's much more well-read than I am, and he actually watches movies, unlike me.
Did you go to the same school?
No. We went to different high schools, and he had already graduated from his by the time I met him. I have four degrees; he's working on getting his. Yet I know he's smarter than I am.
Are you from the same home town?
No. I'm from the Chicago area; he's from New Orleans.
Who is smarter?
He is smarter. He has a wider range of knowledge. Yet, on occasion, he'll tell me that I'm intimidating to him. Bah!
Who is the most sensitive?
Honestly, he is. I have more moments of insecurity, but he's vastly more sensitive.
Where do you eat out most as a couple?
I don't know yet, and I so look forward to finding out a place that balances our palates. And by "balance", I mean, hopefully we'll go to a vegetarian place, because on the rare occasions that I eat meat, I prefer it uber-processed or well done, which offends him as a chef.
Where is the furthest you've travelled as a couple?
Honestly? The outskirts of the town where we grew up. But there are changes to come.
Who has the craziest exes?
Christ on a cracker, he does!
Who has the worst temper?
I do. I wish I didn't, and I work hard to curtail it, but I absolutely do. Poor baby.
Who does the cooking?
He does, and will, and probably always will. Although we have a simplistic cooking competition planned - who can make the better grilled cheese (ME!) and mashed potatoes (ME!). Yeah, he'll probably kick my ass, which is why I've limited the number of ingredients allowed.
Who is the neat-freak?
HE IS.
Who is more stubborn?
I am, because I want to be heard, and heard, and endlessly heard, until he gives in.
Who hogs the bed?
I don't know yet, but we've already decided that he'll stay on the sofa and I get his bed. We agree that co-sleeping doesn't work out that well. I kick and talk in my sleep. He snores.
Who wakes up earlier?
I don't know yet. I wake up when my caffeine level gets low. He wakes up when his brain turns on. We'll see who wins.
Where was your first date?
I don't remember. Ask him; he has a substantially better memory than I do. Also, remember that I was 16.
Who is more jealous?
I think we're equally so. I hate that he hangs with his ex-girlfriend. I went by an ex's place on Sunday, and I told him, and he asked me if he should be jealous. (Which as far as I know, in boy lingo, means he's a bit jealous.)
How long did it take to get serious?
From my point of view? The first time I heard his voice in 2008. For him? I don't know. I do know that he sent me a good Christmas present, and sent me a perfect Valentine's card. If I had to guess, it would be the first time he told me that he loved me, and that was late June 2008.
Who eats more?
He does. Not only does he cook, but he eats. I eat once a day-ish. He eats like a normal person.
Who does the laundry?
He knows my weirdness with this, so I think we'll do our own laundry. At least, I hope so. Other peoples' skivvies weird me out.
Who's better with the computer?
I am, with internet. Hell, I am.
Who drives when you are together?
This has been a bone of contention. We always subscribed to "who drives, chooses the music" until I realized that we'd simultaneously murder each other. So now, we've decided that the passenger chooses the music, which means that we'll fight over who HAS to drive forever.
We both use ours. Mine is Christine, his is [REDACTED]. Don't ask about first names.
How long have you been together?
Debatable. I've known him since I was 16. We dated for a bit back then, and then have been friends, but never in a relationship.
Most recently: I've created an anniversary date of June 30, which is about the first time that he told me that he loved me.
How long did you know each other before you started dating?
See above. We dated when I was in high school.
Who asked whom out?
In the beginning, I have no doubt that it was him.
More recently: He found me on MySpace, which is where we began reattaching. His message was essentially his phone number. I made the first phone call. Took me about 30 seconds to make that decision.
How old are each of you?
We're getting close to a number change, but I'm 35 and he's 37.
Whose siblings do you see the most?
We don't see either's, but he has to hear more about mine than I do about his.
Which situation is hardest on you as a couple?
I can only answer for me. I want to be the best person I can be for him, and I wonder if I don't always get his references - he's much more well-read than I am, and he actually watches movies, unlike me.
Did you go to the same school?
No. We went to different high schools, and he had already graduated from his by the time I met him. I have four degrees; he's working on getting his. Yet I know he's smarter than I am.
Are you from the same home town?
No. I'm from the Chicago area; he's from New Orleans.
Who is smarter?
He is smarter. He has a wider range of knowledge. Yet, on occasion, he'll tell me that I'm intimidating to him. Bah!
Who is the most sensitive?
Honestly, he is. I have more moments of insecurity, but he's vastly more sensitive.
Where do you eat out most as a couple?
I don't know yet, and I so look forward to finding out a place that balances our palates. And by "balance", I mean, hopefully we'll go to a vegetarian place, because on the rare occasions that I eat meat, I prefer it uber-processed or well done, which offends him as a chef.
Where is the furthest you've travelled as a couple?
Honestly? The outskirts of the town where we grew up. But there are changes to come.
Who has the craziest exes?
Christ on a cracker, he does!
Who has the worst temper?
I do. I wish I didn't, and I work hard to curtail it, but I absolutely do. Poor baby.
Who does the cooking?
He does, and will, and probably always will. Although we have a simplistic cooking competition planned - who can make the better grilled cheese (ME!) and mashed potatoes (ME!). Yeah, he'll probably kick my ass, which is why I've limited the number of ingredients allowed.
Who is the neat-freak?
HE IS.
Who is more stubborn?
I am, because I want to be heard, and heard, and endlessly heard, until he gives in.
Who hogs the bed?
I don't know yet, but we've already decided that he'll stay on the sofa and I get his bed. We agree that co-sleeping doesn't work out that well. I kick and talk in my sleep. He snores.
Who wakes up earlier?
I don't know yet. I wake up when my caffeine level gets low. He wakes up when his brain turns on. We'll see who wins.
Where was your first date?
I don't remember. Ask him; he has a substantially better memory than I do. Also, remember that I was 16.
Who is more jealous?
I think we're equally so. I hate that he hangs with his ex-girlfriend. I went by an ex's place on Sunday, and I told him, and he asked me if he should be jealous. (Which as far as I know, in boy lingo, means he's a bit jealous.)
How long did it take to get serious?
From my point of view? The first time I heard his voice in 2008. For him? I don't know. I do know that he sent me a good Christmas present, and sent me a perfect Valentine's card. If I had to guess, it would be the first time he told me that he loved me, and that was late June 2008.
Who eats more?
He does. Not only does he cook, but he eats. I eat once a day-ish. He eats like a normal person.
Who does the laundry?
He knows my weirdness with this, so I think we'll do our own laundry. At least, I hope so. Other peoples' skivvies weird me out.
Who's better with the computer?
I am, with internet. Hell, I am.
Who drives when you are together?
This has been a bone of contention. We always subscribed to "who drives, chooses the music" until I realized that we'd simultaneously murder each other. So now, we've decided that the passenger chooses the music, which means that we'll fight over who HAS to drive forever.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Memories
I found this tonight as I try to organize my office. I do realize that I'm channeling Heather, but I think she'll forgive me. Or not care, which is more likely. I'll post the images, and then transcribe.
1-3: lived in Chicago (Winter Garden) IL. had dog (Karry) - black, w/golden underfur. older bro & sis. Looked up to bro, scared of sis. both would occasionally gang up on me. bro usually mt protector, though. pool in backyard. dog thought I was its puppy. one day, I played in tar - huge trouble! Don't remember much else.
4-5: lived in State College, PA. 2-story house, had cat, dog, bird. Kitchen very light v. living room, very dark. My room had a giant caterpillar on the wall, Mom painted over it. Very upset. Don't remember much of siblings. Bro never at home, involved in many activities. Had game room in basement, but afraid of basement. Neighbors had tire swing - seemed very far out in woods. Stream at bottom of hill behind house, loved to play on it in winter. Took swimming & gymnastics. Scared to put head under water. Was in afternoon kindergarten. Teachers: Mrs. Long & Mrs. Woodchuck (not her real name) Best friends: Kim & Cameron.
5-6: lived in Wichita, KS. 1616 Murray. Mom hated house. Had HUGE! living/great room. got cat named Boo. Played outside a lot. Few memories of bro & sis. Bro lived in basement room, sis & I switched rooms. Killed sis' hamster. School - walked. Public pool - played in summer. Took piano lessons.
Mindy - teacher. Friends: Andy, Ashley, Donya. Donya had Strawberry Shortcake record - I liked that, can still sing the song. Fell at school trying to get away from boy, scratched up knee, bad. 1st "boyfriend". Brian. could never spell his name right, always - Brian. Had swingset in backyard. I was a tomboy.
about 80% of any details here were told to me. I have VERY LITTLE recollection of being young.
(I wrote this in college, so probably around 1994 or 1995.)
1-3: lived in Chicago (Winter Garden) IL. had dog (Karry) - black, w/golden underfur. older bro & sis. Looked up to bro, scared of sis. both would occasionally gang up on me. bro usually mt protector, though. pool in backyard. dog thought I was its puppy. one day, I played in tar - huge trouble! Don't remember much else.
4-5: lived in State College, PA. 2-story house, had cat, dog, bird. Kitchen very light v. living room, very dark. My room had a giant caterpillar on the wall, Mom painted over it. Very upset. Don't remember much of siblings. Bro never at home, involved in many activities. Had game room in basement, but afraid of basement. Neighbors had tire swing - seemed very far out in woods. Stream at bottom of hill behind house, loved to play on it in winter. Took swimming & gymnastics. Scared to put head under water. Was in afternoon kindergarten. Teachers: Mrs. Long & Mrs. Woodchuck (not her real name) Best friends: Kim & Cameron.
5-6: lived in Wichita, KS. 1616 Murray. Mom hated house. Had HUGE! living/great room. got cat named Boo. Played outside a lot. Few memories of bro & sis. Bro lived in basement room, sis & I switched rooms. Killed sis' hamster. School - walked. Public pool - played in summer. Took piano lessons.
Mindy - teacher. Friends: Andy, Ashley, Donya. Donya had Strawberry Shortcake record - I liked that, can still sing the song. Fell at school trying to get away from boy, scratched up knee, bad. 1st "boyfriend". Brian. could never spell his name right, always - Brian. Had swingset in backyard. I was a tomboy.
about 80% of any details here were told to me. I have VERY LITTLE recollection of being young.
(I wrote this in college, so probably around 1994 or 1995.)
My Card
My boy did well with his card. It's funny and sweet and it made noise, too! That part startled me a little bit but I figured out how to jury-rig the card so it doesn't make noise every time I open it. Wanna know how? I ripped the card in half.
So here's the front:
I love love love that he got me a card that recognizes just how long we've known each other. If I ever get really, really brave, I'll post some of the emails we've exchanged over the years.
And here's the inside, with just his words in his own handwriting:
Isn't seeing someone's handwriting so much more personal than getting emails or texts? I certainly think so, and when I send cards to my boy, I work really hard to make sure my writing is pretty and I don't misspell words. It's the little things.
So here's the front:
I love love love that he got me a card that recognizes just how long we've known each other. If I ever get really, really brave, I'll post some of the emails we've exchanged over the years.
And here's the inside, with just his words in his own handwriting:
Isn't seeing someone's handwriting so much more personal than getting emails or texts? I certainly think so, and when I send cards to my boy, I work really hard to make sure my writing is pretty and I don't misspell words. It's the little things.
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