It's Not You, It's Me

Free-flowing thoughts...

I feel scared. That's OK; I'm allowed to be scared. And the fear won't last as the mastery takes over. But until then, my fear will make me interact with you differently. I will ask for your attention. I will ask for reassurance, so much so that it may be overwhelming to you. It may seem that my well never fills, that I can't take enough of your belief in me into myself.

You know what? I can't. I can't get full. I don't listen to your positive reinforcement. I hear you, I absolutely hear you. But it never gets deeper than my epidermis. What I will listen to are your sighs when I ask you to tell me again that I can do this. That I will be good at it. That I am a good, smart, worthy person. I will listen to the impatience in your voice, and that will reinforce my absolute, pure knowledge that I am not good enough. That I will never be good enough. That the best I can hope for is to be needed. And if I can't find it in your words or actions, I will find a way for it to be there. It will be something little, something so insignificant, but it will speak truth to me.

I feel alone. I expect you to leave. I expect that I am overwhelming to you. I expect reinforcement that my needs are not worth addressing, that my fears are silly, that my worth is so vastly below yours that I am embarrassed to even write this down. I am embarrassed for myself. "How pathetic I am!" I think. "How worthless I am!" But it is my truth.

I will block this away, to chew on in quieter moments. For this incredible lack of self-esteem is not always apparent. Sometimes, I feel good. I feel powerful. I know that I can do whatever it is I need to do. Surely that's true; after all, I am still alive. I've lived through worse and I will again. And I will take that pain and block it away. It's the only way I can function. I will forgive even the cruelest words and actions aimed at me. I will do this because I need you. I need your friendship and support and love.

I know that when I do not place you above me or above another person who is important to me, you will be angry with me. I believe that you think, even on a subconscious level, "How dare she? After all I do for her, after all I put up with?" I do not know for certain that this is true, but it is how I imagine you regard me.

I cannot control how you react or feel or need. I am only now starting to work on myself. I have to. I have to face whatever it is that tells me of my lack of importance in this life. Ad I am afraid of this as well. I know there's a reason why my memory is bad and I'm not sure I want to know what I've experienced.

But I need the validation. I need to be heard, not just listened to, but heard. And heard. And heard again, until I absolutely believe that you understand. You can tell me that you understand, that you get it, that you sympathize with me or celebrate with me. But I do not believe this. This is me, these are my needs, and no amount of your love can fix it.

But please try. Or at least, try to understand.