Anger

My last post came from pure rage. I woke up this morning and decided to evaluate my thoughts. I am very, very angry still. The problem I have is that I am afraid of anger and am afraid of confrontation. I hate the idea that if I lay into my dad for this betrayal, I am setting up my Mom for at least a week of agony from him. That's how he operates. He will never confront anyone, and will never listen to anything anyone says.

I also feel even more like an idiot for thinking that there might be a relationship to be had with this man. The issue I have is that in order for that to happen, I have to sublimate myself. This scares me. I've lived with chronic fear for a very long time now. It's exhausting work to maintain. Hypervigilence just wears me out. Yet I do it, every day.

So what's next? I don't know. Someone, maybe my friend John, told me that the youngest sibling tends to be the people-pleaser - the one who smooths everything over. That's certainly true of me. I'd rather have harmony than be right. Usually I think this is a virtue. But as I reread what I just wrote, I really wonder.