Found It!

It's been an interesting 24 hours, as slightly referenced by the post below. I've spent some time twisting in the wind, trying to figure some things out. I finally got it.

I've been living with my actions and my thoughts at almost absolute opposites. That clearly was not working. I remember my first appointment with a doctor, when I said that I felt like my power was gone.

Power's back! And it feels a lot sweeter to finally recognize it and realize that being who I really am is not a bad thing. I've spent so much time trying to transform myself into some ideal. I'm not some ideal; I'm me.

And why try to deny it? I'm awesome!

And the best side effect? That SOB who raped me can no longer have any power over me. Fuck him. I wasted too much time. Now, this is all about me, and I will celebrate the things I do well, and not care about the things I do not do well.

I wish I could buy myself another present.

I'm Working On A New Idea...

It's about power, submission, and how we make this whole world work out. The problem is that I tend to associate my thoughts with my experiences, and as we've discussed, I'm still a bit nervous about abject honesty.

There's a lot at stake, as I'm sure there is for everyone else in the world. But since where I live is pretty close-knit, and people know each other, and revel in judgment, I have to be careful.

Suffice to say that I wonder about the nature of control. We all want it, and I think that we worry about the consequences of having it or not.

Of course, it's entirely possible that people don't really consider the nature of their actions. I do wonder if many people are introspective and self-aware. Sure, there's a lot of that on different sites. But as an overall concept.

Yeah...I'm done.

Sweet Christmas!

Jealousy

I was talking with my friend B. about this, and also talking (in a more roundabout fashion) to the boy about it as well. I try not to be a jealous person, but I have to admit that I feel territorial around my friends. I want my friends to all like each other, but not too much, because I fear losing that close friendship I've enjoyed.

It's gotten easier over time. In my 20s, I was pretty damn jealous, because I was so insecure about my own worth as a person. Mostly, that kind of jealousy didn't work out too well for me, because as it turns out, when someone wants your company, it's a compliment. When s/he wants all your time, it's irritating and forces that person to withdraw from the pressure.

Fast forward to now. My relationship with the boy is unconventional, to say the least. He tells me that I have to get over being jealous. I'm not sure how successful I can be at that. I can hide the feeling more than I can do away with it. He tells me that he doesn't get jealous, but then sounds more than a little concerned about some of my past entanglments.

So, how to cope? If I hide my feelings, I'll eventually get bitter and feel like I'm not being heard, which, as we know, does not end well. But I don't want to harp on those feelings either. Processing and re-processing feelings gets tiring too.

Still got a lot to learn, I guess.

The Downside

I've been away from work for two days now, because the cold that I was anticipating finally showed up. Thank goodness for medication, because I do feel better now. I'll probably have the cough for a few more weeks. It's what we call here the crud. Plus, since I have bad habits, it'll last.

I'd forgotten how nice it was to have time to myself. I've missed my work husband, but not enough to want to go back to work. Still, I do love having an income, so I will be good and work again.

This is sort of a lame post. Apologies all around.

Tye Dye

So apparently, I'm changing my hair color again. I spent a lot of years being a redhead. I'm not naturally one, although the sun does create images. But when I'm a redhead, I feel more powerful. I don't know if this is because of how I felt at the time, or because the color made me feel powerful.

Still, I want to feel the very best that I can. One way I can make that happen is to look like I want to feel. Fake it 'til you make it, right?

So by the end of the weekend, I will be red again.

(If you're nice, pics to follow. And blame the boy.)

Boys v. Girls

I've been wondering about this for a while now. I have a lot of thoughts, some of which I've posted, about the relationship between boys and girls. I don't get the dichotomy between the sexes.

Being a girl, it seems really easy to get women. Women are rational (given time) and men are base and in a pissing contest.

As I try to figure out the boy, I try to figure out the relationships I had in the past, both with men and women (just friendships, don't be cute).

I'm just endlessly curious about how these relationships work. I would love your input. I just ask that you be honest, even if it hurts. I will be just as honest.

Or if you've even got a story about dealing with the opposite sex, I'd love to hear it. If you don't want it published, that's cool too.

Love,
C

Vicious Cycles

This morning, I've been thinking about patterns in my life. I often say, and have heard it said, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.

Cute, short, to the point. But...I wonder if I'm repeating my patterns so I can finally be right. I think that maybe my need to be vindicated is so strong that it pulls at my unconscious. It sends me back to the same people to see if I can fix a wrong. The wrong could be on my doing, of his/her doing, or of a tiny little detail that didn't matter at all, but somehow stuck into my subconscious and informs my actions.

I like to think that as I'm getting older, I'm gaining some wisdom. And I think I am, to a certain degree. It's getting easier for me to ask for help and to listen. I'm finding that I can actually learn from other people's stories and experiences. I want to know more about my great aunt's life because I know she's felt some things that I have, and I also know that at 95, she's not going to be around a lot longer. And the will be the end of my "greats". I have no grandparents anymore, haven't for years, and she's the last link to family, in a sense.

So, I guess what I'm thinking is, do I return to people because they were always supposed to be there in the first place, or because I'm trying to fix something? Does it matter? In my journey to figure myself out, it feels like it matters, but even saying such things makes me feel like I only use people. And I really hope that's not the truth I'm going to find. Because that's not the person I want to be.

Sheesh! Maybe I should pretend to study some more or something, so I don't get like this.