And This Is Why I Love You

This morning was a slow morning, a lazy, syrupy, holy-crap-did-I-really-need-that-last-vodka-we're-meeting-the-inlaws-for-lunch-morning, and I took full advantage of the gurgly, mildly hungover slow-moving feeling to switch channels quickly on my TV until something interesting/ignorable came on just for me.

First I watched some of Flip This House. Oh, mid-aughts. You were a silly, dreamy, delicious time. You made us believe that there was money to be had, if we worked really, really hard at it and somehow yanked a leg off a bunny and made a wish on it.

Then I flipped over to the History Channel, and came in about fifteen minutes into Modern Marvels. It was discussing 90s technology, and I thought to myself, "Now this is something I remember!"

See the first paragraph. That should explain my deep thoughts.

There were pictures of old cell phones, and the world's first portable computer (from 1981 - hey, History Channel, you cheated!) and there were video games and GPS (thank you, President Clinton, for letting all us civilians play along as well) and then there were Furbies. Boy, do I remember Furbies. I had two of them - one Momma bought me, and the other a gift from my ex-fiance.

I watched and learned that Furbies did not, in fact, actually learn English from hearing me speak to it. It was programmed to use more English words the more it interacted. (Or maybe not even interacted? I'm not clear on this.) It reminded me how annoying I found my Furbies because I couldn't understand one good goddamned word they said or what they wanted, and I eventually put them into my closet where they would occasionally mutter, usually in the middle of the night, and scare the shit out of me.

Furby revenge.

My revenge? Their batteries finally died.

If I had known that they would speak more English as time went by, and if I didn't have the patience of an overtired toddler in a grocery store candy aisle, I would have given them time to speak more English. Had the internet existed in the way it does today, I would have Googled Furby secrets and found this out, and actually used my fuzzy weird-eyed toys. For I know now that no matter what I want to learn, someone has already been interested enough to explore it more deeply than I care to and would have created a dedicated Wikipedia page, along with pictures.

And this is why I love you, Internet. (And you guys, too.)