In Case I've Been Off My Game

Here's excerpts from an email exchange I had yesterday.  It pretty much sums up what's been going on in my life.

From: Christine
To: B
Sent: Thu, Dec 17, 2009 6:39 am
Subject: interesting....

My time spent with [redacted, but not the boy] is officially kaput, and I’m not nearly as upset about it as I thought I would be.

Love,
C

From: B
Sent: Thursday, December 17, 2009 11:14 AM
To: Christine
Subject: Re: interesting....

And you can't just drop a bombshell like that and not explain...you'll have to tell me what happened, if you regret sending him the Christmas card now (I hope you didn't send a present too!), etc. But I'm very glad you're over him. You know my sentiments on him. "So wave your little hand and whisper so long deary, deary, should've said 'so long' so long ago!" Just a little Hello Dolly! for your morning enjoyment.

Love you lots! Hope you're having a fabulous day. Call me if you get a chance. I miss you!

B

From: Christine
Sent: Thursday, December 17, 2009 11:50 AM
To: B
Subject: RE: interesting....

It’s been a long time coming, this end with [redacted, but not the boy]. But you know me, I can’t just let something go. I have to squeeze every little thing out of it first. But we’ve not been communicating for a while, and every time we did, it was because I initiated the call. Missed dates, no talking…could it be more clear? It’d been this way since I got back from Seattle. We last hung out on November 11, that Wednesday after I got back, and then nothing. He tried to blame it on his never-ending illnesses (seriously – he’s been sick for like 3 months now. If he were a horse, he’d be glue already.) and layoffs and transfers at work. And while these are legitimate reasons, if he really wanted to spend time with me, he would’ve found a way and the time.


But he’d been good for me, making me feel beautiful and intelligent and wanted, and that was really hard to give up. So I called him last night, and the conversation was OK, mostly about work politics and career goals. It got quiet toward the end, and I just had to know, so I asked him if he wanted to hang out this weekend, since it’s my last semi-free weekend until at least the new year. He got quiet, and I told him it was OK to say no, and although he didn’t directly say it, I just knew.

And it hurt. Oh, did it hurt last night. I wanted to alternately cry and get really angry with him. This morning I was tempted to text him to say, “Good luck, be well. Goodbye.” But I’ve not done that, because I think it’s a bit petty, and more honestly, because I don’t want to entirely close the door. But it really is closed now. It has to be, because I care about him too much and that gives him the capacity to hurt me over and over when I’m at home, wondering why the phone isn’t ringing. Yet I have to protect myself. And I’m worth much more than someone who can’t decide if he wants me but probably does.

No, I don’t regret sending the card. It was generic anyway. I’m pretty sure he received it (everyone else has) and didn’t even acknowledge it, although we discussed Christmas cards last night.

So goodbye, [redacted, but not the boy].

And there’s the long answer to your question!

I miss you too!


Love,
C