A Little Mail Is A Dangerous Thing

Let's start with some truth: I hate to check my mail. Hate it. So I rarely check it more often than once a week, and often it'll be ten days between trips to the mailbox.

So I should have, but I didn't check the mail before vacation. It'd probably been five days prior to departure when I last checked. When I got back I finally dragged myself over to the mail emporium (I don't know what else to call it. Mail kiosk?) to see just how stuffed my box was (hush!).

There was nothing. Not one thing. This was a bit disconcerting, so when I got to work, I called my landlord to see if, just maybe, hoping upon hope, that the postman had gotten frustrated with me and left my mail at the office. "No," the lady said, "But often if you don't check your mail, they'll just take it back to the post office."

Wonderful. This was Monday, and I couldn't get over to the post office until this morning (Saturday). My work hours overlap the post office's hours, and I don't have time during lunch to get that far and back to my scintillating job. Today I asked the nice lady at the post office if she happened to have my mail. She did not. She told me I've have to call the carrier to see if it's with him. Wonderful, I thought. I have to work! And I know I've got some bills coming due! So Monday morning at 7:30 I will be on the phone with my mail carrier.

In the interim, I decided to change my address to have all my mail delivered to my P.O. box. I mean, if the mail's at the physical post office, USPS has to keep it for me, right? (But I will check more regularly, I promise!)

On my way out, I decided to check said P.O. box, because that's where the bar delivers my mail. No keys. My box keys were gone. "Don't panic!" I told myself, since my first instinct always is to panic. I took apart my purse, looking for the keys. I tore through my car, methodically, I swear!, looking for the keys. No keys. I drove home and looked at the basket where I keep my keys. No keys.

I got back into my car. While driving back to the post office, I was imagining the cost of replacing the keys. Replacing the keys to my safety-deposit box is seventy-five dollars, if memory serves. So I was thinking it would be about fifty-ish dollars. Dollars I DO NOT HAVE, incidentally, after a long trip.

Turns out it was six dollars to replace and I had to give a dollar deposit, so a total of seven dollars got me back in business.

But I really am an idiot.