Guilt

I don’t do well with guilt; I tend to pretend things just didn’t happen in order to not feel badly about them. But sometimes these situations can’t be avoided, and I get caught up in the drama.

Case in point:

There are a lot of women in the office where I’m currently working. As I was leaving the other day, I was chatting with a blonde lady (I’ve since learned her name, but there’s no point in telling you) about what I’ve been doing since I started here. She asked, “So what have you been doing?” I replied, “Not enough, so if there’s anything you’ve got that I can help you with, just let me know.” She answered that with, “Well, my car needs cleaning…”

Folks, I was really taken aback. What a rude thing to say, even if she were joking! I mean, that’s just plain bitchy. I joked off the encounter, saying something to the effect of, “You don’t want that, just look at my own car!” But still, it stung, and the next day I just refused to look at her or speak to her.

But yesterday, as I was leaving, I was on the phone with the boy, and this woman was behind me. As I was getting into my car and she into hers, parked two places away from mine, I told the boy that she was there. Maybe not in as nice of terms. Maybe it was something more like, “That bitch who said that thing to me was right behind me.”

Now I can’t say for certain that she heard me call her a bitch, but it’s entirely possible that she did. So now I feel guilty, not because she didn’t deserve to be called a bitch, but because I don’t like to get caught talking about people. I don’t really like the repercussions. And who knows? Maybe she was just kidding and I’m overreacting.

And this is where the cycle begins. I’m angry at what she said, I’m worried that she heard me call her a name, and I get nervous when I see her in the hall. Why is it so hard for me to just stand up for myself and say, “Yeah, I said/did that”?