Lately I've felt as if I don't have a lot to say. I haven't been able to wrap my head around a single idea and flesh it out into a posting. (Why would that stop me, you ask? It's not like I follow a single thought all the way through to its conclusion very often.)
So it seems that it's not that I don't have anything to say, it's that everything I'm thinking is coming from a very deep place in me, a place where only my closest friends get to access. And I figured, well, what the hell, I'll just tell all y'all about it as well.
I am growing more and more scared about my trip to Seattle. I've been working like mad to get myself into better shape with limited results. It's entirely possible that I've taken my diet restrictions so far that I'm going into a starvation mode. All I know for sure is that I'm not going to look as good as I wanted to look. Well, scratch that, I was never going to look as good as I wanted to look. So I've been adjusting my expectations by tempering them with some reality. But even with that, I'm not going to look like I want. Which will make me self-conscious around my boy. Which will affect how he sees me.
So what to do? Postpone? I really don't want to, but I want him to find me physically appealing, and I know what he likes. Don't judge him about this; I don't. There are perfectly lovely people in the world, many of whom I love, but do not find physically attractive.
Honestly, I just don't want to have some weird conversation with him about my weight. I'm just trying to keep myself motivated to continue to work out and watch what I eat. It's annoying, and more than a little frustrating, that I lost a fairly substantial amount of weight in six months, and now, three months later, I'm still struggling over ten pounds.
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3 comments:
DO NOT postpone your trip just because of a few pounds... think about this in the big picture - how would you feel if you cancelled and something happened to him or you in the interim and you never saw him? Wouldn't you feel awful that you let a little weight get in the way? If everything he says is true and you say is true, then when you meet, he will see YOU not those couple of inches you are paranoid about.... :)
From a friend:
It's called a plateau....as your metabolism revs up and you start to lose weight, your body starts to operate on fewer calories...the trick might be increase the calories you burn a little to kick start the weight loss again....maybe increase the incline on the treadmill....I'm not trying to lecture, just want to offer words of encouragement. I personally, have not made the smallest dent in my resolutions to work out, lose weight and eat better but I DO want to see you succeed and meet your goals...and STOP downing yourself!! You are a beautiful, smart, funny, giving, loving person and Allen and everyone else knows that....so there!! I hope this message leaves you feeling more inspired than pissed off....
From a friend:
Hi Christine,
I read your blog post about your upcoming trip to Seattle. I didn't want to comment there for obvious reasons.
Your fears....
First the fear about how you look. Chances are he already sees you as beautiful and will be delighted to see you as you are. If he does love you, and it sounds like he does, he loves YOU and not a image of a model. If he bought you a pasta pot, not exactly diet food, he is making some sort of a statement that he's looking forward to breaking bread with you as you are. Frankly, if he doesn't like what he sees when you meet him than he really doesn't love you and you don't want to pursue it further.
I do recognize that part of this trip will include wearing mainly smiles with each other, and I strongly suspect he wants to be with YOU, not the image you want to have about yourself. Just relax and delight in loving and being loved.
Secondly, this trip is, at base level, about commitment. Is this what you are fearing more than anything else? Love is ultimately about risk and if you are unwilling to take the risk to love and be loved, and allow yourself the vulnerability, it won't happen.
It sounds like the two of you have something special. Relax and allow yourself the ability to enjoy him and allow him to enjoy you, mind, body, and spirit. It is ultimately worth it.
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