Ugh, Me

OK, so I'll lay it out there for all y'all.

Months ago, when I got back in touch with him (this is how I will refer to him; not to be confused with the boy), we had a fun time catching up over Facebook. We both had lives, and interests, and it was interesting to see what he was doing now. We dated when we were in high school, and the split happened because I went away to college and was changing very quickly. I needed my freedom. I still adored him, but the timing wasn't right.

Earlier this year, we began to catch up on Facebook. Messages back and forth. I had forgotten how witty he is, and how appealing he is. After a few messages, he disappeared. I sent a silly, sarcastic message to him, and never got a reply. I figured this was because so many people leave my life. I tried not to give it too much thought.

In September, he reappeared. We sent more messages back and forth to catch each other up on our lives. The conversations moved from Facebook to phone. I was amazed to find that he sounds exactly the same. Yes, there were some differences, for both of us, but it'd been 15+ years since we were in contact.

We decided to go see Rollins. It was lovely to see him; I thought we had a good time. However, during these prior phone conversations, he found out that I'm kinda seeing someone else. This relationship, as much as I attach to it, is speculative. It's long distance. But still, there are real feelings there.

He had recently split from a long-term relationship. I have no doubt that there are strong feelings on his part as well.

Was I attracted to him? Yes. Was he? I don't know, but he was a lovely companion that evening and a perfect gentleman. As you know, I wanted to see him again.

The last time I talked to him was on the day I found out that I passed the bar. Since then, he hasn't answered my calls or messages.

It's entirely possible that the scenarios for rationales in my head are real. Still, I wish I knew what is happening in his head.

It hurts to know that we made plans for Halloween, and that he was so enthusiastic about those plans, and now I don't know if they'll come to fruition. So I just did something stupid. I got an email from NIN showing pics from one of the earlier shows. I forwarded it to him and asked, "Are we still going?"

I can't tell if it's dumber to wait for a response or dumber not to.