Vicious Cycles

This morning, I've been thinking about patterns in my life. I often say, and have heard it said, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.

Cute, short, to the point. But...I wonder if I'm repeating my patterns so I can finally be right. I think that maybe my need to be vindicated is so strong that it pulls at my unconscious. It sends me back to the same people to see if I can fix a wrong. The wrong could be on my doing, of his/her doing, or of a tiny little detail that didn't matter at all, but somehow stuck into my subconscious and informs my actions.

I like to think that as I'm getting older, I'm gaining some wisdom. And I think I am, to a certain degree. It's getting easier for me to ask for help and to listen. I'm finding that I can actually learn from other people's stories and experiences. I want to know more about my great aunt's life because I know she's felt some things that I have, and I also know that at 95, she's not going to be around a lot longer. And the will be the end of my "greats". I have no grandparents anymore, haven't for years, and she's the last link to family, in a sense.

So, I guess what I'm thinking is, do I return to people because they were always supposed to be there in the first place, or because I'm trying to fix something? Does it matter? In my journey to figure myself out, it feels like it matters, but even saying such things makes me feel like I only use people. And I really hope that's not the truth I'm going to find. Because that's not the person I want to be.

Sheesh! Maybe I should pretend to study some more or something, so I don't get like this.